Ok its done, we broke up... Like the kind of break up that makes you change your facebook relationship status. Apparently I can't give her the love and attentions he needs anymore so she decided that she can't do it... She can't do it anymore.. How about, I have been unable to do it...
I know this won't be the end of it. She will call and text and call and text..
I asked her to give me a few days to get my head together and that I would call her to talk when I am ready. She needs immediate gratification and this will be so hard for her. She has already sent me 3 texts...
But today its not about her or this relationship. Its about me... All me....
What can I discover about myself today? I guess I'll tell you when I do...
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Resolutions, Schmesolutions
Trying to figure a new direction for a new year seems like and easy task. Right? Who the hell told us that lie? This seems to be one of the hardest tasks on my to do list right now.
SO here I am, one in the morning, frustrated about the direction I need to go one a few projects that need my attention. So lets talk about them.
1. My relationship- What am I going to do about this one. I have been dating my Girlfriend since May 09. I was 2 and a half months out of a horrible relationship and in typical lesbian fashion, We met, fell in love and u-hauled almost immediately. Not supposed to happen, but I fell head over my high heals. She did two. It was the type of attraction that when I saw her, the room st oped and my normal outgoing, flirty , overly confident dating self, was at a loss for words. This woman, who, to this day I couldn't identify, navigated the introduction. We exchanged numbers and began our love affair the next night on our first unofficial date.
She is sweet, sensitive, in-touch with her emotions and fully able to express them, attentive, loving, has amazing relationships with her family, is all about me, and not to mention, great in bed. She doesn't cheat or lie or steal or do any of those kinds of things.... But... She is needy, possessive, drinks a little to much sometimes and then gets rude and obnoxious (not with me but other people), and doesn't understand boundaries or healthy space AT ALL!!! Its driving me crazy... I really try to focus on the good things we have.. really I do, But I'm finding myself growing more and more frustrated with the lack of space and individuality and embarrassment when she "acts out in public".
So we decided that we moved too fast in the beginning and we need to regroup, get our own places again, and get back to the life and things we did before each other, all the while maintaining our relationship. Easy enough... Sounds like a grown up decision right? This is harder that I could ever imagine.
Me? I'm good with it. I see it as a good thing. Its a time to re-group, refocus and build a stronger future for us.. My thought process is this.. If we are better, more whole, more satisfied and healthier individuals, then we are a better, more whole, more satisfied, healthier couple.. Right??
I made the personal choice to be "Organic" with my feelings because I have learned that not being real for the sake of her feelings only makes things worse... So in keeping with this resolution, sometimes I have to tell her things that are hard for her to hear. I'm really trying to make sure I consider her feelings, but sometime, this just are what they are and there is no way to sugar coat it... Now I am no angel and sometimes I can be mean. I'm pretty blunt and she is very sensitive. These things don't match.
My frustration is that I'm looking at this time as a positive and she is looking at it as kind of a positive thing, but also it makes her very insecure about us... I keep telling her to relax, that its gonna be OK and that if she keeps trying to figure out our future we are never gonna be in the present enough to even build a future. It gets more and more frustrating and its at the point where I'm really questioning our relationship. I can't keep arguing and trying to convince her that I love her. I refuse to have this kind of stress.
It really gets worse when she has a couple cocktails. She works at a night club so she will have a couple drinks at work and call me when she has a break.. Every time she takes a break. Tonight she called about a hour after she left the house. Actually this was the second call she made in a hour. I entertained her and as we were saying goodbye, told her that I would talk to her when she got off work. She took this as me telling her that she couldn't call me anymore tonight. Frankly, I would be OK with that. I'm thinking, shes at work.... Be at work!! So after 2 more phone calls where she ranted and ranted about our relationships and how insensitive I am and how she is not gonna take me handling her this way, I decided to record the conversation. Maybe if she hears how she rambles she will understand my frustration..
We shall see how this one plays out. I love her, but I love my peace and sanctity more...
2. My weight - I have seriously put on about 25 pounds since I met her. We all know that we gain a little weight with a new relationship, but this is ridiculous. So I'm committing to a workout routine and just gotta do it.. I even went to the doctor to see if I could get a quick fix diet pill... She told me to suck it up, stop being lazy, make an appointment to see the nutritionist and just handle it.. OK, tough love from my Doc.. I like that.. So that's what I'm doing. Now, if I could only find a free workout routine online to help me..
3. My mental health - This is a big one. I believe everyone is should talk to a therapist at some times in their life. Most of us were jacked up by our parents and therefore need some form of mental health. There are some things about myself that I know I need to work on. I made an appointment for some counseling this week. I'm sure I will be telling you all about it...
4. What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?? - Hi My name is ........ , and I'm a recovering Mortgage Broker. What do you do when you wake up one day and your whole industry has disappeared... You find a job quickly because the bills don't stop.. I took a job at a hotel bar and like it pretty well. Its not what I want to do forever, but it works for now. However, the bar was doing some renovations so I have been laid off since October. Loving the time off, but ready to get back to work.. But, I am getting that " this is not what I want to do forever" feeling more often. I know its time I figure it out. School, I gotta go back to school. This thought terrifies me but I know I have to suck it up and just do it. I do know that i want to study History and teach college level history course in the vein of Howard Zinn...
5. I Have A Hunger For Deeper Importance - It cant be all about me... I completed an application to volunteer at YouthPride her in Atlanta. YouthPride is the local teen center for the GLBTQ kids of Atlanta. I think I would find a lot of satisfaction there... I think I can make a difference.
SO.. There you have it. The five dishes turning round and round on the lazy susan that is my life... This years motto... Choose Action, Not laziness. Take a journey to the center of my life and be Constantly Discovering.... Me that is !!
SO here I am, one in the morning, frustrated about the direction I need to go one a few projects that need my attention. So lets talk about them.
1. My relationship- What am I going to do about this one. I have been dating my Girlfriend since May 09. I was 2 and a half months out of a horrible relationship and in typical lesbian fashion, We met, fell in love and u-hauled almost immediately. Not supposed to happen, but I fell head over my high heals. She did two. It was the type of attraction that when I saw her, the room st oped and my normal outgoing, flirty , overly confident dating self, was at a loss for words. This woman, who, to this day I couldn't identify, navigated the introduction. We exchanged numbers and began our love affair the next night on our first unofficial date.
She is sweet, sensitive, in-touch with her emotions and fully able to express them, attentive, loving, has amazing relationships with her family, is all about me, and not to mention, great in bed. She doesn't cheat or lie or steal or do any of those kinds of things.... But... She is needy, possessive, drinks a little to much sometimes and then gets rude and obnoxious (not with me but other people), and doesn't understand boundaries or healthy space AT ALL!!! Its driving me crazy... I really try to focus on the good things we have.. really I do, But I'm finding myself growing more and more frustrated with the lack of space and individuality and embarrassment when she "acts out in public".
So we decided that we moved too fast in the beginning and we need to regroup, get our own places again, and get back to the life and things we did before each other, all the while maintaining our relationship. Easy enough... Sounds like a grown up decision right? This is harder that I could ever imagine.
Me? I'm good with it. I see it as a good thing. Its a time to re-group, refocus and build a stronger future for us.. My thought process is this.. If we are better, more whole, more satisfied and healthier individuals, then we are a better, more whole, more satisfied, healthier couple.. Right??
I made the personal choice to be "Organic" with my feelings because I have learned that not being real for the sake of her feelings only makes things worse... So in keeping with this resolution, sometimes I have to tell her things that are hard for her to hear. I'm really trying to make sure I consider her feelings, but sometime, this just are what they are and there is no way to sugar coat it... Now I am no angel and sometimes I can be mean. I'm pretty blunt and she is very sensitive. These things don't match.
My frustration is that I'm looking at this time as a positive and she is looking at it as kind of a positive thing, but also it makes her very insecure about us... I keep telling her to relax, that its gonna be OK and that if she keeps trying to figure out our future we are never gonna be in the present enough to even build a future. It gets more and more frustrating and its at the point where I'm really questioning our relationship. I can't keep arguing and trying to convince her that I love her. I refuse to have this kind of stress.
It really gets worse when she has a couple cocktails. She works at a night club so she will have a couple drinks at work and call me when she has a break.. Every time she takes a break. Tonight she called about a hour after she left the house. Actually this was the second call she made in a hour. I entertained her and as we were saying goodbye, told her that I would talk to her when she got off work. She took this as me telling her that she couldn't call me anymore tonight. Frankly, I would be OK with that. I'm thinking, shes at work.... Be at work!! So after 2 more phone calls where she ranted and ranted about our relationships and how insensitive I am and how she is not gonna take me handling her this way, I decided to record the conversation. Maybe if she hears how she rambles she will understand my frustration..
We shall see how this one plays out. I love her, but I love my peace and sanctity more...
2. My weight - I have seriously put on about 25 pounds since I met her. We all know that we gain a little weight with a new relationship, but this is ridiculous. So I'm committing to a workout routine and just gotta do it.. I even went to the doctor to see if I could get a quick fix diet pill... She told me to suck it up, stop being lazy, make an appointment to see the nutritionist and just handle it.. OK, tough love from my Doc.. I like that.. So that's what I'm doing. Now, if I could only find a free workout routine online to help me..
3. My mental health - This is a big one. I believe everyone is should talk to a therapist at some times in their life. Most of us were jacked up by our parents and therefore need some form of mental health. There are some things about myself that I know I need to work on. I made an appointment for some counseling this week. I'm sure I will be telling you all about it...
4. What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?? - Hi My name is ........ , and I'm a recovering Mortgage Broker. What do you do when you wake up one day and your whole industry has disappeared... You find a job quickly because the bills don't stop.. I took a job at a hotel bar and like it pretty well. Its not what I want to do forever, but it works for now. However, the bar was doing some renovations so I have been laid off since October. Loving the time off, but ready to get back to work.. But, I am getting that " this is not what I want to do forever" feeling more often. I know its time I figure it out. School, I gotta go back to school. This thought terrifies me but I know I have to suck it up and just do it. I do know that i want to study History and teach college level history course in the vein of Howard Zinn...
5. I Have A Hunger For Deeper Importance - It cant be all about me... I completed an application to volunteer at YouthPride her in Atlanta. YouthPride is the local teen center for the GLBTQ kids of Atlanta. I think I would find a lot of satisfaction there... I think I can make a difference.
SO.. There you have it. The five dishes turning round and round on the lazy susan that is my life... This years motto... Choose Action, Not laziness. Take a journey to the center of my life and be Constantly Discovering.... Me that is !!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)